Rule nr. 5: Don’t get distracted by details
Fights can help you understand the core of the problem, and that’s a very important thing to obtain! But you can get to the core only if you learn to skip details!
A fight is never about you spending too much time with your phone or too much time with your friends, or not doing the cleaning often enough about the house. If you both manage to skip details, you’ll soon learn that it’s all due to the fact that you don’t listen and hear each other, don’t feel the care attention you want, don’t feel that you’re a “priority” to the other person etc. (that is a list of actual issues and it’s much longer that this).
It’s not easy of course, learning to see the real issues behind the superficial details, but if you begin trusting your emotions a bit less and your reason a bit more, you’ll get to the essence of the conflict and maybe you’ll manage to solve your actual problem.
One way or the other, stop fighting about the same old details over and over again, with no actual result.
Rule nr. 6: Strike out all the generalized stuff from your arguments!
Do not use words such as “you’re never ever giving me any help” or “we’re always late because of you” in your fights. These abstract, general accusations do nothing but pour oil on the flames. And your other half gets the benefit of playing the victim in this conflict: well, it just can’t be true that you’re always late because of him!
Rule nr. 7: Never resort to threats
No matter how painful it is for you, never insult your partner and never threaten to break up with them. This won’t help sorting out the problem, but it will prove that you’re more interested in hurting your partner than solving the issue. And no, you don’t have any right to insult another human being!
Just because you feel offended, insulted or angry, it doesn’t mean you automatically get the right to insult the other person. Emotions are the weapons of a fight, and that’s alright. But hurting a person with words or threats will not bring you any good.
And again-the idea of the rules is to solve the conflict and get to a new level in your relationship, rather than ruin everything with a word or a deed. You can afterwards find excuses for yourself, and be innocent in your own eyes, but will this make it easier?
Rule nr. 8: It’s better to lose the battle but win the war
Lack of respect kills relationships. If you start being disrespectful to the other person, you’ve got one step to hatred to go from there. If you start criticizing, you’re basically doing the same thing, you’re descending on your partner’s personality, and this will make any conflict go from bad to worse.
Instead of doing the above-try to forgive your partner. You’ve put a lot of time and effort into your relationship, and forgiving is a way to save what you’ve been building. Just think about that which is more important to you: win the fight or save your relationship?
Unfortunately, it oftentimes happens that you win the battle and lose the war.
To be continued…